Managing Challenging Toddler Behaviour & their Desire for Control

Toddlers are incredible, and yes, although their behaviour may be challenging, frustrating and hard to manage at times, it is all because they are trying to make sense of the world around them. Two year olds (and the ages surrounding 2 years) are not terrible, and there is no such thing as 'the terrible twos'. They are curious, inquisitive little people who are exploring and learning.

Showing emotions is part of being human, however, toddlers lack the control to manage these feelings and also don't have the language skills yet to communicate their wants, needs and desires effectively.

A toddler's desire to control a situation can happen for many reasons and it isn't just because they're being 'difficult'. That innate desire to be in control is communicating something - whether that's to feel safe, to meet a need, to demonstrate independence, to practise a skill, to consolidate/further some learning & understanding, or for many other reasons.

For us as parents or caregivers of small children, these big feelings shown from little people can be tough! It can wear us down and make us feel like we aren't getting it right. It can be frustrating, embarrassing, exhausting. Sometimes we may recognise why our toddler is having a meltdown, and other times we may have no idea, or don't see why it's such a 'big deal'. However, it IS a big deal to our child, and we need to, as the adult, empathise with and respect that - putting our own thoughts, opinions and emotions to the side.

Ways to manage the behaviour:

1. Depersonalise

This strategy often works wonders with Isaac. Depersonalising basically, in simple terms, means taking yourself out of the situation so that you can't be 'blamed' as such by your toddler. For example: At the moment, if I give Isaac the 'wrong' cup for his milk, it can cause some big feelings. However, if I sense that's going to be the case that morning, instead of handing him the cup personally, I just pop it on the side for him to take himself when he is ready. He then can make that choice himself of whether he wants to drink it or not, and that's his decision - offering that sense of control he so often desires.

2. Offer control within limits

Offering control within limits requires pre-empting a situation that your toddler may seek more control/independence, and setting up or preparing the environment to allow them to do so in a way that you choose. For example: pouring their own milk on their cereal - offer a little jug for them to add the milk to their bowl. (We find this works brilliantly for meal times too (a big trigger of mine!) - offering a selection of food on a plate that Isaac can solve serve onto his own plate himself avoids the meltdown over me giving him 'wrong' food!)

3. Offer choices

Offering choices is a fantastic way of managing behaviour for toddlerhood and right through childhood - as long as we ensure the choices we offer are age appropriate. Giving a choice of two things means that your child will feel like they are in control of the situation as they are the one deciding, even though we as the adult are happy with either outcome (that's the key factor!). For example: "We are going to leave the house soon and we will need to wear shoes. Are you going to wear this pair or this pair?" Sometimes if children are too heightened already, they may not be able to make a choice and we as the adult can step in and say "I can see you're not ready to make a choice, so I am going to make one for you this time.". This is why it can be helpful to pre-empt a situation so that your child can be involved in the decision making.

4. Maintain your boundary

Children need to feel safe. They need to feel secure. It's our job as the adult to ensure that. Maintaining a boundary you set is actually a way to do this. If you have said 'one more', or 'no' to something, or '2 more turns on the slide', it's actually very important for you to hold his boundary and follow through with it, no matter how hard it is to do so. Maintaining the boundary actually makes a child feel more secure, as it means that they can trust you to follow through your words with actions. We can empathise with the feelings that sometimes come from us holding a limit eg. "I hear you. I know you wanted to go down the slide again, but Mummy did say 2 more times. You've had two, so now it's time to go. We can play again another day." and that offers room for reflection too on how we can help prepare our child for boundary setting.

5. Offer a space to calm down

Letting your child know and showing them that it is okay to have big feelings is part of a healthy learning process. However, actions such as hitting, kicking and biting are not okay. Sometimes children will find comfort in a hug from a caregiver in order to support them with regulating and calming down again. My Isaac however, doesn't like this. He prefers his own space to do so. In order to keep his body safe during meltdowns, we've introduced cushioned spaces in small areas around our house where he can fling himself, shout and scream to his heart's content - but we know that he isn't going to hurt himself there, unlike flinging himself down on the wooden kitchen floor!! I always then make sure I sit with Isaac if he's in this space to offer support with co-regulation if he would like, and a cuddle once he's calmed down!

6. Observe, reflect and prepare

If you've followed The Know & Play Space for a while, or read some of our other blog posts, then you will have heard me talk about 'Prepared Environments' a lot! I think that having a suitable environment is the BIGGEST help in managing toddler behaviour and their desire of control and independence. If you spend your whole day saying 'no' to your child, not only are you going to be fed-up and exhausted, but they're going to feel frustrated and annoyed as well.

Toddlers have an innate desire to explore the environments they are in, to test things out, to practise skills they know internally that they need to work on - and they'll seek ways to do this wherever they are. If you are constantly saying 'no don't touch that / 'no don't open that' / 'no that's not for you', then not only are you probably having A LOT of big feelings and meltdowns from your little person, but you are also hindering their development. For example: Isaac continuously opened the large cupboard we have in our kitchen and kept getting out the cereal and asking for it. Now once or twice, sure, cereal for lunch isn't bad... but it turned into him constantly getting out the cereal every time he wanted food and refusing anything else. From his point of view, he was meeting his own needs. He was hungry. He knew where accessible food was that he liked, so he went to get it out. As a parent though, I didn't want him having a diet of Shreddies!! And it always turned into Isaac getting upset and cross when I said no. So... what did I do? I observed. I reflected. I changed and prepared.

The cereal was all moved to higher shelves out of reach and eye-line and I added a box, onto the lowest shelf, containing snacks I WAS happy for him to self-access during the day. This is just one example of changes we've made at home around the house. Preparing the environment is KEY to allowing for independence and meeting that sense of control in a developmentally appropriate way.

7. Use a visual aid or a timer

Although verbal reminders or instructions such as 'one more time on the slide' or 'one more episode of the TV show' may work for children with a concept of number, our toddlers don't have that yet. For Isaac, we've found that using a visual aid such as a sand timer, or a 'beeping' timer to be really effective in terms of ending a situation without big feelings. By the timer 'ending', this depersonalises the situation - putting the blame on the timer instead of the adult. It may need a little practise, but this can be a helpful management strategy.

For more information on child development, parenting and play... check out more posts on The Know Space!